Help Me, I'm Hurting
by Scribblingz
Summary: Set after the season 8 Finale. Cas is struggling with guilt and Dean doesn't know how to help him. Destiel fic. Warning for themes. (self-harm) First fic.
1. Chapter 1

Dean Remained silent. He was still angry with me. It was obvious and I knew the reasons- for my lack of trust. I knew that. I didn't know how to make it better. He would never fully forgive me. It didn't matter, I couldn't forgive myself, how could I expect dean to?

We were sitting at the small kitchen table of the shoddy hotel we had managed to find nearby the woods where I fell. I looked down at my hands, folded neatly in my lap. Unaware. I felt disconnected from everything. It was probably the magnitude of my sins. I didn't know if this was normal. It probably was. I could Never be forgiven. All my brothers were dead. It was my fault. I was too trusting in the wrong people and not trusting enough in the right ones. Heaven was gone because of my actions. I can never wash this blood off my hands. What could I do?

"You should get some rest Dean."

It was obvious he no longer wanted to talk to me, he was just to polite to say so.

"Yeah, You should try to as well Cas"

Ha, yeah right, the image of heaven falling, ever-present would only become more vivid if I closed my eyes.

Later that night, Dean an Sam were both asleep. I sat on the edge of my bed, unable to sleep for obvious reasons. I didn't know if I couldn't sleep or I wouldn't let myself. I knew I was human. I was tired. I needed to sleep, but somehow I couldn't. I hated myself to much. This was all my fault. My brothers… I had to get out. Get some air. What had I done? This was all my fault. How did I screw up this badly? I couldn't handle it. I pulled open the door and walked out into the clear night air. The moon was almost full, so I had plenty of light. I began walking. I had no idea where I was going but I knew I had to get away. I didn't stop until I reached a small clump of trees slightly separate to the main forest. I walked in and leant against the trunk of one, sliding down until I crumped at it's base and stayed there, trying to prevent my tears from escaping. I was truly sorry for what I had done to heaven, my brothers… Dean. I could never redeem myself.

I stayed motionless for what felt like hours. But eventually I gave into myself. It seemed to help some people, I know it helped Dean. I drew a small blade from my pocket. I don't remember putting it in there. I ran my thumb along the edge, feeling the sharpness and stared at the blade glinting in the moonlight before placing it onto the inside of my forearm and pressing down. I paused, having never done this before, I didn't know what to expect, but I had seen Dean do it a few times, when I still had my 'angel mojo', and was fascinated as to whether or not it helped. I pulled the blade down sharply and gasped in surprise at the stinging sensation, which surprising helped me to focus . I moved the blade and opened several more cuts on my forearm, watching with interest as my blood dripped down my arm. The numbness I felt afterwards really did help. I now understood Dean's motive. I slid the blade again and again across my skin, willing myself to stop, but I couldn't, the hatred and self-loathing I felt was too much. I had found some form of release.

The physical pain I felt brought my guilt to the surface, and this time I couldn't stop them, I felt my tears welling up in my eyes again and spill out over the rims of my sleepless eyes and cut trails down my face. I wanted someone, Dean, to find me. I knew he didn't care, why would he? I basically told him I didn't trust him. I looked down at my arm, realising how much damage I had done, then decided I didn't care, I deserved worse than this. My arm throbbed. I wanted to die.

* * *

I didn't know what to say to Cas. I wasn't angry with him, I just didn't know how to tell him that I could forgive him. I wanted to say that he was fooled, and it wasn't his fault. I knew he would never believe me, but I wanted to make him know that I was here for him. I couldn't speak though. I saw him look away. Great, now he's upset with me and thinks I'm mad at him. Not mad. Just don't know what to say to a guy that has just been tricked into killing his entire family.

"You should get some rest Dean" Cas spoke lightly, avoiding having emotion in his voice

I wanted to say much more than I did

"Yeah, you should try to as well Cas"

I should have told him it wasn't his fault, and that he still had family in me and Sam, but I wasn't sure if he would accept that, probably more likely that he would think that I was mocking him.

Cas left the table and went to sit on his bed, I followed and layed down on mine. Sam was already asleep, who could blame him, the guy had nearly just slammed the gates to the pit. I know he's going to be in bed for a while.

I could still see Cas sitting on the edge of his bed with his face in his hands. I wanted to help him, console him, but I had not idea what to say or do to make him feel better. How do you console someone who has lost everything that they were?

I must have drifted off for a while because, when I woke, the first thing I noticed was that Cas was gone, and the second, that it was about 1 am. I made sure to check the whole motel room, which didn't take long, and unsurprisingly discovered that Cas was, in fact, not there. I dug out a piece of paper and scribbled a note to Sam along the lines of gone out to find Cas be back soon in case he did wake up, which I doubted. I dropped the note on my pillow and left the hotel room.

As I went to get into the Impala, I began to think of possible locations that Cas might be. It was unlikely that he was at a bar, so I began to look for likely walking routes to isolated spots, possibly at the edge of the forest. I knew he would want to be alone, but I didn't care, I was worried and felt like his current predicament was at least partially caused by my recent actions and behaviour towards him. I didn't mean to seem unfriendly and unforgiving, I just didn't know what to say to him.

I drove for hours, following different routes, stopping at some locations, getting out, checking, calling out to Cas. I was getting really worried when I passed a small clump of trees on the outskirts of the forest and puled over, wondering if Cas might be in there, I jumped out of the Impala, slammed the door and began walking towards them.

* * *

**Please Review. as this is my first fic I need to know if i should keep writing or chop my fingers off. I have another chapter, which will be published tonight**


	2. Chapter 2

I raised my head slightly, I thought I had heard the door of the Impala. No. It wouldn't be. I was imagining things because I was too hopeful. Too trusting. I was pretty sure Dean hated me.

I thought I felt someone behind me, I shook the feeling off. No. Why would anyone care. No one was coming. Why would they? No one cares.

"Dammit Cas"

I looked up, hardly daring to believe it, but not turning around. I felt embarrassed, ashamed of having him come across me like this. I looked down, towards my arm, which was still laid out before me, and avoided eye contact. I realised my arm was still throbbing painfully and oozing blood.

"Jesus Cas"

"Dean…" I began to speak, I wanted to tell him I was sorry. It wasn't his fault, I shouldn't have let him find me like this, but my mouth seemed to move without my control, and I spoke quietly. "Dean, I'm hurting, Help me"

I could hear the desperation in my own voice and felt pitiful, but decided I didn't care because Dean began moving toward me.

He knelt down beside me, grabbing m wrist and pulling my arm towards him, I winced as the skin stretched and sent a new wave of pain down my arm. He obviously noticed this and his eyes widened with concern.

"I think we should probably take you to a hospital Cas"

"No, I don't want to" I immediately said, I hated those places. I knew from the few times I had been in there. They stank of death and illness. I didn't want to go there.

"Come on Cas we've gotta get you fixed up"

"Then fix me" I knew he could. "Just don't take me there, it'll make it worse" This was true. They wouldn't understand, or they would think I was completely mad and never let me leave.

I looked at my arm again and decided I didn't want to move. I pointed out to Dean that most of the bleeding had stopped. I pretended that It didn't hurt that much and flexed my arm, preventing my self from wincing. Dean sat down beside me and lent against the trunk, shoulder to shoulder.

He was hesitating, I could feel it, so I spoke first

"I'm sorry you had to find me this way Dean" I truly was. I should have thought of him, and if it would affect him to find me like this. I cursed inwardly, not letting an emotion cross my face, he probably thought he caused this.

"Trust me Cas, you shouldn't be apologising. It should be me, I should have seen the signs. I should be apologising. This was at least partially caused by me."

So he did think it was his fault. Before I could say anything though, he placed a hand on my shoulder, sending a slight chill through my spine, and continued,

"I'm sorry Cas. I should have helped. Just next time you tell me. Anything. I'll do my best."

He was offering to help me, but he was still blaming himself. I needed to make sure he new it wasn't his fault.

"Dean, None of this is your fault." I took a deep breath before continuing, "I should have listened. This is my penance for my sins. My brothers.." My voice caught on the end of the sentence, I was sure Dean heard it. I broke off, unable to continue. Dean didn't need to be burdened with things he didn't care about.

I tilted my head back, attempting to swallow the lump in my throat and tried to blink away the tears forming in my eyes. I turned my head away from Dean, I didn't want him to see.

I felt weak, powerless. Foolish. I didn't want to cry, especially not in front of Dean but I couldn't stop it. I felt a single tear escape from my eye and trickle down my face. Dean moved beside me. I thought for a second he was leaving me, but he simply shifted in front of me, facing me. I still refused to look at him. I felt a gentle hand, much gentler than I had ever seen him use on anyone other than Sam, brush my cheek, wiping away the tear.

"I'm not going to say I understand, because I never will understand the magnitude of what you are feeling"

He moved back beside me and I felt myself pulled into a hesitant hug, he was obviously scared I was going to resist.

"What I am going to say though is that you can get through this. I know you can. I'm here for you man"

* * *

I saw Cas sitting against the trunk of a large tree. I noticed the sharp red of blood drops marking the pale of his trenchcoat and hesitated, looking around for the danger. I waited a minute or so before deciding that there was nothing there.

I moved into the trees further, not noticing what had caused the bleeding. He must have run into something

"Dammit Cas"

I saw his head raise slightly, in recognition of my voice, but his gaze dropped back down again quickly. This is when I saw what type of injury he had on his arm. My eyes widened. I recognised those cuts. I have scars from that type of cut. Cas was in a bad place. There was so many cuts laddering his arm, a huge amount of damage, it shocked me.

"Jesus Cas"

I needed to help him. I didn't care that I really didn't know how. I just had to look after him.

His head turned toward me slightly

"Dean…" He paused, probably thinking I was silently judging him or something. "Dean, I' m hurting, help me."

The pain and despair in his voice was enough. I immediately went to his side, dropping to the ground.

I reached out and picked up his arm, pulling it towards me, and saw him wince. I cursed inwardly, it must be really hurting him and I made it worse. I was worried. Really Worried. I wasn't sure if I could patch this up. The physical injuries, yes, but I might not be able to give him the help he needed to overcome his sadness.

" I think we should probably take you to the hospital"

I hated myself for suggesting it. I hated the place and it was anyone's guess that Cas hated it as much as I did.

"No. I don't want to"

I wasn't surprised. I had to admire his stubbornness though.

"Come on Cas, we've gotta get you fixed up"

I knew he was going to argue, but I had to give it a shot.

"Then fix me. Just don't take me there"

It was a bad idea, they would probably lock Cas up as mad for good.

Cas extended his arm toward me.

"Look, most of the bleedings stopped. It doesn't even hurt that much"

I knew this was a downright lie, but I chose not to question it. Instead, I slid down next to him, with my back against the tree, trying desperately to think of something to say. What do you say to console someone who has just been betrayed, lost his entire family and most importantly the very essence of who he is.

Cas spoke; "I'm sorry you had to find me this way Dean"

Seriously? The guy was apologising? I wasn't his fault. I had to make him see that. All I really wanted to say that I was sorry he thought he had to be found this way for someone to care. This was my fault. I had to make him see that

The words came tumbling out in a huge rush, "Cas, trust me, you shouldn't be apologising, I should be apologising"

I truly had realised my fault in all this. What I could have done to help.

"This was at least partially caused by me"

More like most of it. I reached out and placed what I hoped was a comforting hand on his shoulder. I had to continue, to make him see that it wasn't his fault, what he was feeling, what he had done and that I forgave him for anything he thought he needed forgiving for.

"I'm sorry Cas, I should have helped. Just next time, you tell me. Anything. I'll do my best"

It was the best I could say, I hoped that Cas caught the real meaning behind it, my offer for help. My forgiveness. The fact that I recognised my faults.

Cas turned towards me, his blue eyes wide

"Dean. None of this is your fault. I should have listened. This is my penance for my sins. My brothers…"

His voice caught on the end of the sentence and he looked away. My heart went out to him. I was terrible hearing a normally strong and powerful voice snap with emotion. I wanted to comfort him. To help him.

I noticed a single tear over on the rim of his eye and spill over, beginning it's path down his cheek. I immediately shifted around and raised my hand to his face, brushing the tear away. I hoped this gesture was all he needed to know I was here for him. At the present time I couldn't care less about being manly, neither did Cas. I just wanted to help my friend.

I moved back beside Cas.

"I'm not going to understand, because I never will understand the magnitude of what you are feeling"

I hesitated, before pulling Cas into a hug, worried that he might not accept it. When he didn't resist, I pulled him closer.

"What I am going to say though is that you can get through this. I'm here for you man"

* * *

**So should I continue with the story or stop writing? Thanks people :)**


	3. Chapter 3

I couldn't move. I wanted out. I often felt Dean's eyes on me. He probably felt obliged to do something. He didn't really care. How could he? After all I put him through I'm surprised that he even spoke to me after I fell. I didn't want to cause him any more pain, so I remained where I was and avoided talking and looking at anyone. Only moving to get up and use the bathroom and wash occasionally. I hadn't eaten much, only the food that Dean had made me eat.

I noticed Dean had left the room and got up to use the bathroom. When I came back I laid on the floor. I was exhausted but I didn't want to sleep, so I made myself deliberately uncomfortable, as I had for the past few days. I stared up at the ceiling, still not moving when I heard the door open and Dean return, shifting around, offering food to Sam, eating some food himself. I had completely zoned out again when Dean dropped down beside me, holding out a container of food. I didn't take it. I never did. I heard Dean sigh and I felt another stab of regret to the amount of pain I had caused him.

"Cas, sit up man, you've gotta eat."

So he was going to try and make me. I didn't want to. I didn't deserve anything. I didn't need anything, especially nothing from Dean- I was still embarrassed that he had found me like he did a few days ago.

I rolled over so that my back was facing him. I knew it was rude, but I really didn't want to talk to him, or be forced to eat when all I wanted to do was die.

Dean got up and shifted around to face me. I was preparing to roll over again when he grabbed my shoulder, anticipating my actions.

"let me go Dean"

I had officially lost any fight I had ever had. My voice no longer sounded like my own. I sounded weak.

Dean released my shoulder, I must admit I was a little surprised that he was giving up so easily.

"Cas come on buddy, sit up, let me check your injuries at least."

So he hadn't given up. Damn. I glared at him before shifting into a sitting position with my back against the couch, I hugged my knees and hoped Dean didn't try to talk too much.

Dean was holding out the food to me again. I felt rude but I ignored the offer.

"I don't want to eat, Dean. You said you wanted to check my arm"

I stretched my arm out towards him and allowed him to roll up my sleeve. The worst of the cuts had neat black stitching across them, done by Dean's well-practiced hand. The bandaging pulled at my sore skin as he unwrapped the bandages and I saw Dean's understanding and watched as he tried to be gentler. He pressed a light finger to a few of the cuts before re-wrapping my arm and sitting down next to me. So he wasn't letting up easy today.

"Cas, man, come on, talk to me, you know me. Talking can help. I swear"

Yeah, right. I'm sure. I was done talking, paying attention, I shuffled away from him and pulled my knees closer, indicating that the conversation was over.

He grabbed my shoulder, not as gentle as before, probably trying harder to stop me ignoring him this time. I didn't want to talk to him, especially because I had done so much wrong by him. I gave into the pressure on my shoulder and turned to face him, glaring.

"Why won't you leave me alone Dean?" I spat with a little more venom than I was intending. I voiced my fears in my spiteful words, "It's not like you actually care"

I knew that I had gone to far. He would leave me now. He would be done with putting up with me. Why did I lash out at Dean? I'm not angry with him, I am angry with myself. The hurt was plain on his face and I immediately felt terrible. How much more pain could I cause Dean Winchester?

I was disgusted with myself and I turned away from Dean again. Why did I have to screw everything up?

"Cas, I don't know what to say, you probably won't believe me whatever I say. I do care. Whatever has made you think that I don't care has got it all wrong. Talk to me Cas. It will help. I don't mind what you say, just talk to me."

I considered his offer of having someone to talk to. I didn't show any inclination of it though. I remained exactly as I was. Dean tried again, this time with a more direct suggestion.

"You know you need to sleep, right Cas?"

I did know. I was tired, I had been for the last few days. I hadn't slept since… that night. I toyed with words and how I was going to phrase what I wanted to say.

My words ended up tumbling and stuttering

"I.. I know Dean, its just…I'm tired, but I'm scared..."

I'm sure Dean would know what I meant. Nightmares.

"Cas come on man, just sleep and I'll wake you if you look like your having an issue"

I recognised his offer as sincere and decided to accept it.

"Ok Dean" I whispered

I moved back onto the couch and curled up in the corner, still scared to close my eyes, Dean sat down on the couch as well, giving me a little space, and I felt his eyes on me. I sat for a while like this before I felt Dean move right beside me. I was grateful for his presence. I had to make sure he knew I appreciated that he was trying to help.

All I could seem to say though was, "Thankyou Dean"

Dean stayed beside me and soon I felt my eyelids drooping and I fell into sleep.

* * *

Cas had barely moved for three days. He remained sitting on the shabby motel room couch, staring at the wall opposite to him. If I called his name his didn't respond and when I placed a hand on his shoulder he flinched and turned blank eyes toward me, all the life gone. I don't reckon he would have eaten unless I had almost forced food down his throat. Sam was still sick as anything. He stayed in bed, usually sleeping and sometimes getting up to eat. I let him rest. He deserved it. The small motel we were staying in was what we usually found on a hunting trip. A few crappy beds- three in this case, a couch, a small, dirty kitchen and a shitbox of a TV with crappy programs. I didn't want to go back to the bunker- I didn't think Sam would be very happy about travelling and moving him in his condition might cause some problems. Cas didn't seem inclined to move from his current position, let alone go anywhere outside since that night.

I'd picked up some take-out. The store was barely 10 steps from the motel. When I arrived back at the room, Cas had shifted, he was now lying on the floor, but continued his deadpan stare at nothing. I went to Sam's bed to offer him some food, only to discover him fast asleep. I didn't want to disturb him so I put his share of the food is the small hotel refrigerator. I ate quickly, leaning against the kitchen table, watching Cas and trying to decide what to do about his condition. I decided he hadn't eaten in a while.

I picked up the rest of the food, plonking myself down next to Cas on the floor, holding out a container of food. When he didn't accept it I sighed.

"Cas, sit up man, you've gotta eat."

Cas turned his sad eyes toward me, then rolled over, so his back was facing me. I got up and walked to the other side of him, determined to make sure he didn't ignore me. As I sat down I grabbed his shoulder, preventing him from rolling over again.

"let me go Dean."

Cas spoke in a voice so small and broken that I obliged, but I didn't want to give up on talking to him just yet.

"Cas come on buddy, sit up, let me check your injuries at least"

Cas glared at me before pulling himself up and leaning against the couch, hugging his knees.

Well, it was a start.

I offered him the tub of food again, he ignored it.

"I don't want to eat, Dean. You said you wanted to check my arm."

I took his outstreched arm and rolled up his sleeve. I had stiched the worst of the cuts and bandaged his whole arm.

He winced a little as I began to unwrap bandages. I know from experience that it can hurt for several days after.

I noticed that his eyes were following my movements rather than staring into the distance and thought this was a good sign.

The cuts weren't any worse than yesterday, but they weren't very much better either. I shook my head as I re-wrapped his arm in bandages and sat down next to him.

"Cas, man, come on, talk to me, you know me. Talking can help. I swear."

Cas simply pulled his knees closer and shuffled again until his back was facing me.

I grabbed his shoulder, not caring if he told me to get off or lashed out, I wasn't letting go. I pulled his shoulder until he turned to face me again, glaring through teary eyes.

"Why won't you leave me alone Dean," he hissed viciously, "It's not like you actually care."

Ouch. That stung. I did care. Did he really think that?

My hurt must have shown on my face, because his expression changed before he turned his face away from me.

"Cas, I don't know what to say, you probably won't believe me whatever I say. I do care. Whatever has made you think that I don't care has got it all wrong. Talk to me Cas. It will help. I don't mind what you say, just talk to me."

This didn't seem to have much of an affect on Cas. He remained silent and still.

"You know you need to sleep right Cas?"

I didn't think he was going to answer. I could see him trying to decide on something to say.

"I.. I know Dean, its just…I'm tired, but I'm scared..."

I knew what her was talking about. He was scared of nightmares. I knew a thing or two about that.

"Cas come on man, just sleep and I'll wake you if you look like your having an issue"

"Ok Dean" he whispered before curling up in the corner of the couch again. But he didn't close his eyes

I sat for a while before scooting over to sit beside him, so close that our hips were touching.

"Thankyou Dean"

Soon after Cas spoke I noticed his eyelids drooping slightly and he leant into me as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry this took a while to upload- i had school and stuff. next chapter should be fairly soon. please review. thanks for reading guys :)**


	4. Chapter 4

The pressure of Dean sitting next to me was nice as I surfaced from sleep. I was surprised to find him still beside me, I expected him to leave as soon as possible, but he was here, sitting beside me, alert. I must have drifted off again because when I woke for the second time, Dean was gone. I panicked at being alone and in my hurry to get up I fell off the couch and landed on the floor. Hard. I groaned slightly as I pushed myself up into sitting position, noticing Dean was right beside me, helping me, asking if I was okay. I vaguely remember mumbling a response along the line of 'I'm fine Dean.'

Dean grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet, then set me back on the couch. I pulled my knees back up to my chin and turned away from Dean, slightly embarrassed. My eyes drifted across to the table and stuck on the knife that was sitting on it. I stared at it for a few seconds before the realisation of where I had seen it previously struck me. It was the knife I had used on my arm, which Dean had so carefully patched up. I felt Dean's eyes on the back of my head, before he suddenly moved and snatched the knife off the table moments later, slipping it into his pocket.

I watched as Dean walked back towards the poor excuse for a kitchen, then Sam announced that he was going back to bed. I observed the brother's non-verbal interactions as Sam moved past Dean, and, if I wasn't mistaken, I was sure Sam winked at Dean as he went past. I was puzzled. My eyes followed Dean as he moved around the kitchen, but I quickly dropped my gaze as he began to walk toward me with a tub of food in hand. He was going to try and make me eat again. Great.

I felt his weight shift the couch cushions as he sat down and wordlessly held out the containers to me. I ignored them. Or tried to. I looked at them but didn't take them.

'I don't need to eat Dean'

The gnawing sensation in the pit of my stomach said otherwise.

'Yes you damn well do,' came Dean's quick response, 'Your human now so you need to eat something.'

I sighed deeply, turning away from Dean, back into the corner of the couch, willing him to go away.

'I'm not hungry.'

I was still ignoring all my senses telling me to eat.

'Bullshit Cas, that's a load of rubbish and you know it.'

So he picked up on my lies. Surprise.

By now it was quite apparent to me that Dean wasn't going to give up trying to make me eat until I ate a bit, but I wasn't going to give in without a fight. I furrowed my brow, thinking.

'Why does it matter if I eat or not Dean?'

That may have come across harsher than I was intending but if it gets Dean to leave me alone…

'Because it does. Now eat'

I caved in. I supposed if I ate a few mouthfuls that might satisfy him for a while. I took the food that was still being offered to me and took a few tentative mouthfuls.

'I'm full Dean, I don't want anymore'

He didn't say anything, he just sat there watching me until I caved again and kept eating. He watched me until the entire lot of food was gone.

After I finished eating I decided that I wanted a wash.

'Dean, I think I want some form of cleaning. This human form seems to gather dirt easier.'

'Why don't you take a shower then Cas?'

I looked at him curiously, so he lead me into the bathroom and showed me how to use taps and get the right temperature, the concept of a shower and he also gave me a disposable razor and showed me how to shave. That was another thing I had noticed, I kept growing hair on my face.

Dean left on a supply run, leaving me alone. Finally.

I coated my face with shaving cream and followed Dean's instructions, being careful not to nick the skin, I removed most of the hair from my face. I cut myself accidentally a few times though. After I finished shaving, I rinsed out the razor and sat down on the floor with it, pulling the handle off and twisting the plastic base until the actual blade fell out. I stripped off, sitting down on the floor of the shower, pressing the blade into my thigh, dragging it trough the skin again and again, thinking of nothing but my brothers and the pain I had caused Dean.

I stood up and turned on the shower, watching the bloody water swirl down the drain imagining the disappointment in Dean's eyes if he knew. Just another mistake to add to the list. Eventually I turned the taps off, noting that most of the cuts had stopped bleeding, stepped out of the shower and wrapped myself in a towel. I didn't have any clothes so I went to Dean's bag and hoped he wouldn't mind if I borrowed something.

I selected a pair of jeans and a simple T-shirt from the bag, as well as clean underwear. Sliding the clothes on quickly, I noticed the jeans were a bit to long so I folded them up until they were the right length. I dried my hair out a little with the towel but left it pretty damp and went to sit back on the couch and wait for Dean to return.

* * *

I woke some time later to Sam moving around the small hotel room. Cas was still asleep, curled up with his head resting on my shoulder. So as not to wake him, I gently lifted his head and laid him down on the couch as I got up. Sam smirked at me as he stirred sugar into his coffee and I scratched my jaw absentmindedly as I walked over.

'How ya doing?'

'I could ask you the same.' The slightest flash of laughter passing across his exhausted face and weary eyes.

I started to glare at him, then sighed.

'How long have you been up?'

I decided against telling Sam about Cas' current predicament.

'Not to long. I feel a bit better than I did yesterday.'

'the day before,' I corrected him, 'you've been out two days.'

Sam's eyebrows wrinkled slightly in surprise, but the expression quickly dropped from his tired face.

'Well, whatever, I still feel like hell.'

I noticed Sam was avoiding my eyes a little, probably after all he had said after I stopped him curing Crowley, he didn't want to talk to me very much.

I began to think out loud,

'I think we're gonna stay here for a few days, or should we go back to the bunker?'

It wasn't really directed at Sam but he began to answer anyway

'Well, maybe…'

Sam was cut off by a loud crash from the other side of the room, I spun around, drawing a small knife from my pocket as I went. The hand holding the knife dropped to my side as I realised that it was just Cas that had made the sound. He had fallen of the couch, resulting in quite a bit of flailing and probably a bruised butt.

I slammed the knife down onto the table and immediately went to Cas' side to help him up.

As I pulled Cas up by his arm and set him back on the couch, I asked if he was OK. He mumbled something about being fine before curling up in the corner of the couch again, facing away from me. I stood for a second before following his gaze to the table and saw that his eyes were fixed on the knife I had set down there. It took me another second to remember the significance of the knife. I had quietly scooped it up and slipped it into my pocket the night I had found Cas. I knew he remembered it too, so I hurried over to the table, snatching it up and stashing it away quickly, cursing at myself.

By the time I had finished checking that Cas was Ok, Sam had nearly polished off his share of last night's takeout. At least he was eating, which is more than I could say for Cas. One less thing to worry about. Just as long as he kept it down I was happy.

He yawned widely, 'well, I'm going to crash again. You two have fun,' he said, winking at me.

I rolled my eyes at him as we passed each other, but I could see real worry and exhaustion behind his happy demeanor.

I went to look in the fridge. We still had some of last night's leftovers in the fridge. That would do Cas. I could do a supply run later. I picked up the plastic containers and went over to the couch, plonking myself down next to Cas, determined to make him eat this time. I wouldn't be satisfied until he ate the entire container of food.

Cas was still curled in the corner of the couch. I had noticed his eyes following me as I moved around the room, but as soon as I looked at him, his eyes flitted away from me.

I wordlessly held the food out to him, Cas looked from it to me blankly.

'I don't need to eat Dean'

Dammit. This was going to be difficult.

'Yes you damn well do. Your human now, so you have to eat something.'

Cas sighed and looked away.

'I'm not hungry'

The guy was seriously pulling that one on me?

'Bullshit'

Cas frowned

'Why does it matter to you if I eat or not Dean?'

I didn't really have a good response, so whatever came out of my mouth sounded good.

'Because it does. Now eat'

Cas relented and took the food offered to him. He tentatively began to eat a little of it. After about ten mouthfuls, he declared that he was full and didn't want anymore. I raised my eyebrows at him and he took another mouthful.

I sat there for the best part of an hour, preventing Cas from moving until he had finished every last bite.

When he had finished (finally) he announced that he wanted 'some form of cleaning' as he put it.

I suggested he take a shower. He quite obviously didn't understand, so I led him to the bathroom, showed him the taps and how to use them, gave him a disposable razor and explained shaving to him and then left him to it.

I went out to buy food for the next few days, I wasn't sure how long we were going to be there, so best to stock up. The entire time I was thinking of what Cas would like to try and what foods I wanted to share with him. I worked hard on the menu and hoped that he would appreciate it. I drove back to the hotel feeling rather pleased with myself.


End file.
